Family Roles

(This blog was originally posted on August 17, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

In my blog titled Family Systems Issues, I explained various behavior patterns that facilitate the continued function of dysfunctional family system. Keep in mind that children are born helpless; they will literally die if a parent or guardian is not around and available to take care of them. Consequently, a child will do whatever it takes to survive. To do so, he or she (subconsciously) adopts behaviors that attract nurturing attention—even to the detriment of the youngster’s mental and psychological well-being. Today I will describe characteristics of the specific roles family members occupy in a dysfunctional family system.

The Hero: Someone in this role is a “parentified child” and usually the oldest sibling. The individual can become a workaholic and retreat into an ability to achieve or over-achieve. It seems like this person can never do enough or achieve enough and is usually a good student with a high need for approval. However, the person often experiences deep feelings of inadequacy, denial and fear. Heroes usually marry a dependent partner whom they can control and manipulate. Sometimes the person’s high need for approval can inspire the individual to take on tasks or perform jobs that inspire an employer to also depend on him or her.

The Lost Child: This person is never the trouble-maker; instead, he or she is “invisible” in the family. The individual survives by not being obvious in the family; the child avoids trouble, may be withdrawn and is often an emotional sexual personality. If the person is an only child, he or she may be a “parentified child” and the parent’s best friend. The Lost Child has trouble making friends and comes across as being very adult. 

Mascot: The person in this role is characterized as a “chameleon,” willing to turn into anything or anyone the family wants and needs at that time. The individual thrives on attention and love. He or she can keep other members’ secrets and is dependent on others. He or she is likely to marry a “hero” in the partner’s family system.

The Scapegoat: This is the “problem child,” whose acting out manifests the stress/anxiety/unhappiness of the family. The individual typically has problems with authority and defiance behaviors are manifestations of underlying anxiety. When the roles of artist, scholar or bad child are already occupied in the family, this person occupies this other niche with very little self-esteem. 

Any time there are behavioral issues with an individual in a family, the entire family is the client. In this case, the hypnotherapist should agree to work with the person only if the entire family also receives therapy from a licensed mental-health professional (Business and Professions Code 2908).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Family Roles

Photo by Rick Hustead

In my previous blog titled Family Systems Issues, I explained various behavior patterns that facilitate the continued function of dysfunctional family system. Keep in mind that children are born helpless; they will literally die if a parent or guardian is not around and available to take care of them. Consequently, a child will do whatever it takes to survive. To do so, he or she (subconsciously) adopts behaviors that attract nurturing attention—even to the detriment of the youngster’s mental and psychological well-being. Today I will describe characteristics of the specific roles family members occupy in a dysfunctional family system.

• The Hero: Someone in this role is a “parentified child” and usually the oldest sibling. The individual can become a workaholic and retreat into an ability to achieve or over-achieve. It seems like this person can never do enough or achieve enough and is usually a good student with a high need for approval. However, the person often experiences deep feelings of inadequacy, denial and fear. Heroes usually marry a dependent partner whom they can control and manipulate. Sometimes the person’s high need for approval can inspire the individual to take on tasks or perform jobs that inspire an employer to also depend on him or her.

• The Lost Child: This person is never the trouble-maker; instead, he or she is “invisible” in the family. The individual survives by not being obvious in the family; the child avoids trouble, may be withdrawn and is often an emotional sexual personality. If the person is an only child, he or she may be a “parentified child” and the parent’s best friend. The Lost Child has trouble making friends and comes across as being very adult.

• Mascot: The person in this role is characterized as a “chameleon,” willing to turn into anything or anyone the family wants and needs at that time. The individual thrives on attention and love. He or she can keep other members’ secrets and is dependent on others. He or she is likely to marry a “hero” in the partner’s family system.

• The Scapegoat: This is the “problem child,” whose acting out manifests the stress/anxiety/unhappiness of the family. The individual typically has problems with authority and defiance behaviors are manifestations of underlying anxiety. When the roles of artist, scholar or bad child are already occupied in the family, this person occupies this other niche with very little self-esteem.

When there are behavioral issues with an individual in a family, the entire family is the client. In this case, the hypnotherapist should agree to work with the person only if the entire family also receives therapy from a licensed mental-health professional (Business and Professions Code 2908).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Heroes

 

“Your rescue is within you.” – Lauretta NgCobo, Nigerian Writer

 

 

I have been thinking about heroes a lot lately.

Another season of 24 is almost concluded, and once again I am thinking about how fantastic it would be if there really was a Jack Bauer to sweep in and save the world. Yes, he is very rough around the edges and sometimes takes a—well let’s just say he tends to go “rogue” when it comes to getting the job done. But he does get the job done. Whenever I hear Bonnie Tyler’s song, “Holding out for a hero,” I think of Jack.

                On a similar theme, another one of my favorite television hero-types is a disgraced detective-turned-cab-driver called Mike Olshansky on CBS’s short-lived series, Hack. The hero—or anti-hero, depending on your point of view—has a knack for turning up at the right time when someone (usually one of his fares) is in the wrong place. He saves the day and then quietly disappears. The only token of gratitude Olshansky ever wants is a promise that whomever he has just rescued will not reveal his role in the rescue or even his presence at the scene. The tagline for the series is, “When you need someone who answers to no one,” and that line still resonates with me.

                The television characters of Mike Olshansky and Jack Bauer use their experiences and skills in law-enforcement officers to rescue clients or, in Bauer’s case, save the world. As far-fetched as some of their actions and derring-do might seem, these abilities make sense when we think about all of these behavioral knowns stored in the mental script of each man’s subconscious mind.

When I saw Ms. NgCobo’s quote, it reminded me of times in my life when I have had to rely on myself to solve a problem or to get the job done. While I never went to any of the extremes that my television heroes did to save my day, looking back, I am very proud of those accomplishments. I even have a couple of songs to remind me about this on my iPod—Mariah Carey’s “Hero” and Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All”—that still make me smile when I listen to them. The wistful lyrics, and the soaring voices of the women who deliver them, are like a mini pep-rally that remind me I still (and always did) have that can-do attitude.

My training at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute (www.hypnosis.edu) helped me to identify, refine and nurture the skills and beliefs that brought me to HMI in the first place. In a way, earning my hypnotherapy certification was a kind of “self” rescue. But this education also opened my eyes to the fact that every one of us is capable of stepping up to a challenge and becoming our own hero. We all possess a particular skill set that enables us to achieve great things, things that no one else can do the way we do them. We just have to be reminded or become aware of all those wonderful things we can do.

Guess what? When you are your own hero, no others need apply—and you might even get to help rescue someone else along the way. How cool is that?

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.