It's Tax Season...Give a Twinkie!

(This blog was originally posted on February 23, 2017)

Photo by Rick Hustead

It is still about two months away, but April 15 (Tax Day)—or, April 17, this year—feels much closer for a lot of us. Whether you are meeting with accountants and preparing to write those checks or the CPA helping others negotiate tax season, this is a great opportunity to remind you to be kind to yourself and start doling out those “Twinkies.”

In this case, I am not referring to the Hostess Twinkie cake but a concept introduced by John Kappas, Ph.D. Rather, a Twinkie is the concept Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder used to represent a metaphoric reward for a behavior or attitude that may feel like a sacrifice to the other person but takes some considerable stress off you. In the context of paying or preparing to pay annual taxes, an Emotional Sexual individual may be experiencing extra stress as he or she balances the budget and looks for ways to eke out extra money to send to the government in April. As I explained in my essay titled All About Emotional and Physical Sexuality, Part 3, an Emotional Sexual’s primary focus is always financial security. If the person is worried or preoccupied about something to do with his or her career or money, this person will not have time or patience for anything else until this issue is resolved. This is not good news for the Physical Sexual partner, who becomes anxious and gets hurt feelings if romantic overtures are ignored or rebuffed.

To prevent misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict and increase physical desire between you and your partner, Dr. Kappas recommended that each individual “give a Twinkie” (a metaphoric treat or favor) in the form of a desired behavior, from time to time. For example, the Physical Sexual partner can give the person time and space to work on those W-2, 1099, etc., forms without interrupting the other person to complete household chores or even for physical intimacy. (The Emotional probably isn’t interested in that right now, anyway.) In return, the other person can send love notes, have flowers delivered or set a date to share a romantic meal with the Physical partner to show that he or she is still thinking about the other person. Not only will these kinds of behaviors take pressure off, the subconscious gratitude each person feels for being allowed to satisfy core personality traits will increase sexual desire and willingness to express loving/affectionate feelings for the other person, later.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

Letting Go to Find Yourself

(This blog was originally posted on January 19, 2015)

Photo by Rick Hustead

If something causes you to lose your self-confidence, isn’t it great to have someone around to remind and reassure you of all the talents and abilities you possess, encouraging every positive step you take to rebuild that confidence? Similarly, when you lose your keys or your wallet it is wonderful to have support as you look for and set about retrieving that object.

However, it is not always or necessarily a good idea to “find” what we have lost when it comes to a relationship that has ended.

Often, at the end of a romantic relationship one partner feels like he or she has “lost” the other person either to a romantic rival or various life circumstances. Of course the emotional distress we experience at this time can be incredibly painful and is sometimes traumatic. Even amicable separations often induce some soul-searching and melancholy: What went wrong? What will happen to me now? Where will I go? What will I do without ____ in my life? And so on.

Sometimes during a relationship people ignore or even devalue our hobbies or goals in deference to their partner’s expectations and interests. Perhaps they naturally lost interest in or even outgrew (over-rode) their previous interests or beliefs (subconscious life script) during the course of the previous relationship. Alternatively, they may have subconsciously deferred their interests and career goals to benefit those of their partner. Now that the relationship is over, they may want to take this opportunity to reintegrate that behavior in his or her life. On the other hand, they may decide it is time to start completely fresh and create new behaviors and beliefs (subconscious mental script) that are more consistent with their current life situation with no ties to the past relationship.

Therefore, it is important to reframe this client’s goal from “I want to get over so-and-so/the relationship I lost” into a more positive-action goal. I want the person to override the subconscious message that the “lost” relationship must be found. To accomplish this, I will help the person rephrase the goal to one of creating a new life that is full of exciting possibilities for personal and professional growth based on the client’s own terms. For example: “I am working through the issues/feelings I am carrying from this relationship and continue leading a productive and fulfilling life whether I am on my own or in another, mutually nurturing relationship in the future.”

When I work with clients in this situation one of the first things I work on is to help increase their self-confidence and self-esteem so they can enjoy their own interests and pursue personal goals. While the person is in hypnosis I use therapeutic guided imagery to enable him or her explore these different options and possible strategies the individual can use to realize these new goals. Guided imagery and visualization techniques let the person metaphorically see and even experience, in their imagination, how these new behaviors can positively impact and improve his or her new life. Since the subconscious mind does not know the difference between fantasy and reality, the client can draw on those positive messages and images to enact change and individual self-growth in the real world. If appropriate or necessary, I may also take the person through the five stages of loss so the individual can experience and ultimately resolve the grief and sadness that he or she feels about the end of the relationship.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

How Hypnotherapy Can Alleviate Fear of Failure

(This blog was originally posted on February 22, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

At some point during our lifetime, we will fail at something. Whether it’s a geometry test in high school, not waking up when the alarm goes off in the morning, a relationship doesn’t blossom the way we hoped, etc., failure of some kind is likely to touch us all. Despite the negative connotations and associations with this term, however, failing at something can actually be one of life’s greatest gifts because it usually presents an opportunity to try something else that suits us better. Dr. John Kappas, the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, used to advise his hypnotherapy students and clients to think or say “I like it!” even when the situation was unfavorable. Allowing ourselves to see the opportunity in perceived misfortune or inconvenience is a chance to look for and find that alternative path.

However, fear of failure is also a very real phenomenon that affects many, many people to the point of their becoming unwilling or even unable to pursue a goal or complete a task in case something goes wrong. Of course, consciously we know that not taking an action to realize that goal is another and more reliable way to guarantee failing at it. However, the subconscious mind is secretly relieved because this state of immobility is comfortable, familiar and “known.” Hypnotherapy can help you manage and overcome this fear to get back on track to pursue desired goals.

When I work with someone who has a fear of failure, one of the first things I want to do is help the client identify where and how this fear evolved. If the individual does not know or can’t remember its origin, I might suggest that the person will have a venting dream about the incident to analyze in a future hypnotherapy session. I would also desensitize the person to this fear and any stimuli that trigger this anxiety and replace the fear of failure with smiling or laughing, whenever he or she thinks about it. 

Another effective strategy is to employ plenty of imagery/visualization exercises to prepare the client to get rid of this fear, and tie a stronger relaxation response to override the fear/anxiety. “You need to double-bind the client by substituting a positive suggestion for negative feelings or fear,” Dr. Kappas advised. For example, tie the client’s fear of success with the image of actually achieving that desired goal. If the person does not have any recent experiences or memories of achievement, I would work with him or her to choose and set small, achievable task to start this process. As the person continues to succeed at these projects, I would reinforce the association between relaxation and increasing confidence with achieving these new and increasingly challenging goals. Ultimately, eventually, the “fear of failure” will be replaced with a new subconscious known: enjoyment of success.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified clinical hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018