Getting Control in the Relationship

(This blog was originally posted on April 4, 2016)

Image courtesy of Microsoft

When it comes to relationships, Physical Sexual and Emotional Sexual partners have very different needs and desires. A Physical Sexual controls the Emotional Sexual partner with guilt. Relationships are very important to this personality, and if the relationship ever seems to be in jeopardy the Physical Sexual will do just about anything to rescue and preserve the relationship.

Whereas the Physical Sexual experiences very little guilt, the Emotional Sexual partner is laden with it, observed Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder Dr. John Kappas. Therefore, to maintain control in the relationship, the Physical Sexual partner must never release that hold until the person gets what he or she wants, he advised. The Physical Sexual is also easily hurt, such as in instances of betrayal, and can be vindictive. “They really hold onto that hurt,” he said.

Conversely, the Emotional Sexual controls a Physical Sexual partner by rejection or withholding emotion. The Emotional Sexual tends to be defensive and protective, and generally has difficulty expressing his or her true feelings, Dr. Kappas explained. Furthermore, the Emotional Sexual also gets over failed relationships fairly quickly. This personality tends to need more spare and does not place as high a priority on relationships as the Physical Sexual tends to do. The more the Emotional Sexual withdraws to create more space for him- or herself in the relationship, the more desperate the Physical becomes to reconnect. Paradoxically, this behavior only irritates the Emotional Sexual partner, and he or she tends to withdraw from the partner even more.

Sex is another area where the Emotional and Physical partners tend to try to control each other, the hypnotherapist pointed out. Both male and female Physical Sexual partners crave closeness after intercourse, but an Emotional Sexual male wants to get his orgasm over with and move on to something else. Whereas a Physical Sexual female wants her partner to “prove” that he cares about her through intimacy, a Physical Sexual male can control his partner through his release (ejaculation), Dr. Kappas said. Finally, the Emotional Sexual female wants to figure out how to manipulate or control her Physically Sexual male partner.

“It’s a lot easier for a hypnotherapist to work with couples where there’s an Emotional Sexual female and a Physical Sexual male, because it’s easier to ‘mold’ the Emotional Sexual female than it is to mold the Emotional Sexual male. Plus, she suffers a lot of guilt,” Dr. Kappas said.

For more information about how to address the Emotional Sexual and Physical Sexual personalities’ response to rejection, I invite you to check out my blog titled, Dealing With Rejection in Hypnotherapy.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Moving On

(This blog was originally posted on March 28, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

“There comes a time when you have to choose between turning

the page and closing the book.” – Lolly Daskal

How do you know when it is time to end a stagnant relationship? How do you know when it is finally time to give up a comfortable (albeit, unwanted and unhealthy) habit? How do you know when you should just add that new song or album you really like to your iPod playlist, even though the genre of that music is not popular among your friends and acquaintances? How do you know when is it an ideal opportunity to read a novel by an author you have never heard of rather than re-visit a favorite novel and beloved characters you have already completed ten times? How do you know if, when, it is ever a good idea to leave a well-paying job that you’ve been doing for years because you suddenly have an opportunity to pursue the career you have always wanted?

How do you know that “when” has become “now”?

As I explained in a previous blog titled Traditions: It’s All in the Family, the subconscious part of the mind likes and wants to do what is familiar (known), which the SCM equates with being “safe” and comfortable. Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. proposed that human behavior is based on the subconscious mental scripts that we create during early childhood, at which time the subconscious mind is accumulating and storing various message units that will ultimately comprise the subconscious life script. Each message is ultimately categorized as a positive (pleasure) or negative (pain) experience, and anything that the subconscious mind does not recognize falls under the category of “pain.” Even if the conscious mind questions the behavior, its logic/reasoning/will-power/decision-making faculties will be no match for the unspoken acceptance of that action, in the subconscious mind.

There is no question that change can be painful. Change is almost always uncomfortable, even a desired change. Change is challenging, but that challenge is usually the impetus that motivate us to try a new behavior or belief system in the first place. For example, before a toddler takes that first, tentative step, it is so much easier and initially faster to just crawl around the floor on hands and knees. But after watching Mom, Dad and Sibling walking quickly out of reach, the youngster becomes curious and motivated to try a different way to get around. So the child takes a few tentative steps—first holding on to a parent’s hand or gripping some furniture to facilitate the navigation. Then, once they master walking, they figure out how to run. Eventually, over time, they learn to ride a tricycle, then a bicycle and even drive a car. The original book on crawling has been closed, but there are plenty of new “pages” in this new-found volume of locomotion.  And just like that, the whole, wide world opens up and there are a lot of places to move around in and move to.

It is so easy to keep doing what we have always done, to be comfortable in a familiar environment, reliving experiences that have brought pleasure and enjoyment. Conversely, doing something new requires motivation, confidence, self-esteem, willingness to take a risk or a chance and see what happens because you have enough faith or belief that this action will turn out okay. Doing something new challenges us from the moment we make the decision to step out of the comfort zone we have been occupying for so long because we (the subconscious mind) initially resist change. The question is, when you (your conscious mind) decides and determines that it is time to move on and move forward, will your subconscious mind allow you to tag along for the ride, or will it hold you back?

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Dealing With Traumatic Memories

(This blog was originally posted on April 20, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

“Negative moments get remembered. Traumatic ones get forgotten.”

– Leaving Time, Jodi Picoult

One of the great things about the mind is its capacity to help us deal with a painful or even traumatic event in our lives. On the one hand, the plasticity of the brain enables us to adapt to an uncomfortable environment and learn lessons from that experience to avoid getting into a similar situation in the future. On the other hand, the mind also naturally knows how to block out and even forget the memory of that event so we can continue to function and fulfill daily activities to facilitate our basic survival. In other words, this kind of case-specific amnesia functions like a life-saving balm.

For example: someone contacts me for hypnotherapy to overcome an intense fear of driving and being in a vehicle following a serious car crash. This person knows the facts about what happened but does not remember anything about the collision or the moments immediately afterward when firefighters had to cut him out of the vehicle with Jaws-of-Life equipment. That is okay. I do not need to know these details to create an effective hypnotic script that will help to increase the client’s comfort and self-confidence while driving or being in a car. In fact, this gap in the client’s conscious awareness of the crash facilitates the physiological and psychological healing process as he works toward achieving the avocational self-improvement goal of being comfortable behind the wheel.

Consequently, I do not use age-regression hypnosis to help a client access a repressed memory following a traumatic event. Doing so would be similar to ripping a scab off of a deep abrasion before the original wound has had a chance to heal. If and when the person is emotionally, physically and even spiritually ready to address what happened, these memories are likely to return organically in spontaneous flashes of recollection or through dreams. If and when that happens, I can use various hypnosis, therapeutic guided imagery and neuro-linguistic programming techniques to help the individual become desensitized to and deal with how these memories and consequences of this event. It may also be necessary to refer the client to a licensed mental-health provider and/or a physician for additional assessment and care if this issue falls outside of the scope of my expertise as a certified hypnotherapist.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017