“The difficulty lies not
so much in developing new ideas
as in escaping from old
ones.” – J. M. Keynes
 |
| Photo by Rick Hustead |
Many years ago, an aerobics teacher commented to my class that the discomfort
of childbirth is the only kind of natural, “healthy” pain we should experience.
Every other kind or source indicates that something is very wrong in the body and should receive immediate attention. This
warning is also true of emotional pain—or, it certainly should be—but it is so often disregarded or even intentionally
ignored to return to the source or cause of that pain. Why ?
When I explain “Theory of Mind,” I often use the example of how individuals
frequently return to an abusive romantic partner to explain how even a painful
experience can be associated with the familiarity of what is known. From very
early childhood we are taught to associate physical pain and discomfort as
negative, bad, something to be
avoided or fixed right away. Conversely,
in an effort to avoid conflict or even a physical altercation we repeat the
mantra, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” We
are encouraged to ignore the verbal slights and barbs and do whatever is
necessary to maintain peace in the environment. (This model also applies in a
physically abusive relationship.) We learn to look the other way or look for
the good, positive attributes once attracted us to him or her and enter the
relationship. Over time, every time we repeat this behavior and return to the
source of the pain, we are actually reinforcing the subconscious known which
provides that temporary comfort of familiarity in the relationship.
As Hypnosis Motivation Institute
founder John Kappas, Ph.D. explained,
we are all subconsciously motivated to
maintain and/or restore a known physical
and emotional status of comfort and security. Since the
subconscious mind is motivated and even programmed to seek this comfort, we naturally,
repeatedly gravitate toward the source of that comfortable, secure state until
something or someone is available to replace that familiar stimulus. In some
respects this response can be likened to addictive behaviors: Every positive
gesture or response the person receives is an emotional reward that literally
lights up the pleasure areas of the brain. However, when the response is
negative—hurtful or even abusive—the subconscious association of familiarity in
this situation knowing that it will likely turn around again is equally if not
more powerful. No matter how frustrating and even humiliating the “pain” of that
rejection is, the lingering hope that the situation will turn around and the
negative behavior will actually change keeps us toughing out the temporary
pain, luring us back.
Fortunately,
hypnotherapy and guided imagery can help you change this behavior pattern by
replacing and rewriting the subconscious
mental script that has been keeping you in this pattern for so long. A
hypnotherapeutic process called de-loving is also extremely effective to help
dissolve the subconscious associations to the feelings and emotions that you carry
for the other person and/or relationship. Instead of erasing any memories of
the other person or situation, however, de-loving helps you return to a neutral
and even indifferent attitude that enables you to focus on yourself, personal
goals and other (more) important areas of your life.
For
more information about this topic and to set up an appointment with me, call or
send a text to (661) 433-9430 or send an e-mail to me at calminsensehypnosis@yahoo.com.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified
hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors
from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an
appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2016
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