Dealing with Rejection in Hypnotherapy

(This blog was originally posted on March 17, 2016)

Image courtesy of Microsoft

John Kappas, Ph.D., observed once observed that “Emotional rejection is probably the most difficult [challenge] to overcome.” This may be particularly true of the high-level Physical Sexual men and women. These individuals often build their sense of identity and self-worth around the partner and relationship; when the relationship ends, the person’s confidence and perception of self-worth also plummet. The degree of the person’s physical sexuality and the level of devastation of the rejection will determine how long he or she “hangs on” to the former partner, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder explained.

Since a Physical Sexual can only accept that there is a possibility to save the relationship, the first step in hypnotherapy is to affirm the client’s belief, Dr. Kappas advised. At this stage, the hypnotherapist should encourage the person to think about the partner’s good qualities and examine the positive things that happened during and since the relationship began. The individual should be encouraged to describe every detail of the relationship: how long it lasted, who rejected whom, what caused the break-up and how many times “x” event occurred that precipitated the break-up. “Continue to revisit these memories with the client until the pain is gone,” he suggested.

It is important for the hypnotherapist to acknowledge that the client is hurting emotionally, but remind the person that it does not help to blame either party or the break-up for this distress. Instead, remind the individual that the estranged partner was attracted to him or her during the relationship, but something happened during this time that changed the attraction and the person went in another direction.

“A Physical Sexual can’t accept that the partner was at fault in a break-up,” Dr. Kappas said. Even if the partner had another lover or was having an affair, the client is likely to blame the third party for ruining the relationship. The hypnotherapist must gently remind the client that it is the partner who chose to leave their relationship, not the other lover (likely, a Physical Sexual) that he or she is with, now.

It is important to help rebuild the client’s self-confidence so the person can stop grieving for the partner and start to move away from the lost relationship, toward a new life. If the client continues to maintain superficial involvement with the former partner and is still hanging on to the previous relationship, this behavior must also be exposed. “The client must get what’s necessary from the past relationship to get closure on it,” the hypnotherapist explained.

A Physical Sexual’s response to rejection is mostly a phobic reaction, based on misconceptions about the relationship. Dr. Kappas suggested that when the client has not completely let go of the ex-partner or former relationship, the best therapeutic strategy is to desensitize the person to the relationship/partner and expose the facts about it. If the client is/was in an extremely bad relationship and enjoyed no “good times” during that time, in hypnosis have him or her repeatedly bring up all of the “bad times” and then pass those memories (Circle Therapy). If there were any good elements of the relationship, the client should bring those up first, before bombarding his or her subconscious mind with negative associations about the partner, Dr. Kappas advised.

“Desensitize the [person] to hurt by giving more pleasure in the relationship and search out what [the client really wants,” he said.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Finding My Way Home

(This blog was originally posted on May 25, 2016)

 

Photo by Rick Hustead

It had already been a long day, and by the time I finished my errands in Panorama City I was more than ready to call it a day. So did my GPS, apparently, because it never gave me directions for my route home. Meanwhile, I was so caught up in my thoughts about what still needed to be done that I lost track of where I was for a moment, missed my turn for the freeway (environmental hypnosis) and basically got lost. Ten years ago I probably would have started hyperventilating, but not today. This time, I did not panic about my predicament and actually got very relaxed.

Those of you who have followed my blog know that I used to have a huge anxiety about driving—especially, freeway driving. But as I explained in an essay titled How Hypnosis Has Helped Me, having spent more than eleven years training and working in hypnotherapy has helped me overcome anxiety about a lot of things. And it isn’t just applying the theories and models that I studied, learned and now regularly use to help clients achieve their vocational and avocational self-improvement goals. Exposure to hypnosis—whether I am giving or receiving it—has increased my tolerance for stress and improved my ability to relax in just about any situation. Today was a perfect example of how beautifully my knowledge, experience and planning helped me find my way home.

·         As soon as I realized that I had missed the freeway ramp I needed, I immediately started paying attention to my breathing, focusing on taking slow, deep breaths through my nose and releasing the air in slow exhales through my mouth. This kind of diaphragmatic breathing kept my heart-rate slow and steady and my physical body relaxed. Remember: opposite emotions cannot exist in the same space, so when the mind and body are calm and relaxed stress cannot take hold.

·         I reminded myself that everything was Okay as I kept watching for familiar landmarks and street signs. I used to drive to and from work in this neighborhood about 25 years ago; I was confident that my subconscious mind would recognize some of these streets even if my conscious mind did not. I also reminded myself that the way streets are laid out in Los Angeles I was bound to eventually find a freeway entrance that would take me home. Even if I didn’t, I could always pull into a gas station and ask directions; and gas stations are usually, strategically very close to freeways.

·         Fortunately, I had eaten lunch (with protein) before I started running around this afternoon, so I didn’t have to worry about hunger/symptoms of low-blood sugar levels exacerbating my anxiety. I know through my hypnotherapy training and helping clients overcome fears and phobias that the best way to control and avoid anxiety is to eat protein, which I now take great care to do.

·         You may have heard and practice the saying, “It is about the comfort of the driver” when you and your family or friends head out on long road journeys. In other words, is there enough gas in the tank? Are the tires full of air and the vehicle in good operation condition? Is the heat/air-conditioning on? Is music playing or is it quiet in the car? Is a supply of water and snacks (preferably protein snacks) available if the car breaks down or there is a long delay on the road? (In California—or any other state vulnerable for earthquakes—it is always a good idea to keep these items in the car for just such an emergency. I knew I was set on all of those counts.

·         One of my favorite affirmations is, “I handle 1,000-pound stallions; you/this is not a problem.” And, it wasn’t. Being at the end of the lead-line when my trainer’s Lipizzan stallion snorts goes up into a perfect levade to intimidate another other stallion is much more intimidating than looking for a freeway. Fortunately, I didn’t have to use this affirmation today because I eventually spotted a familiar landmark and knew I had somehow found my way into my mentor’s neighborhood. Driving home from Cheryl’s office has become part of my muscle-memory, a subconscious known.

I did breathe a huge sigh of relief to finally be able to join rush-hour traffic on the Interstate 405. But I got home safely (albeit very slowly) thanks to my training and experience as a certified hypnotherapist and none whatsoever from my GPS, which continued to give me the silent treatment all the way home.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Being a Good Host

(This blog was originally posted on April 15, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

In January, I had brunch with relatives I had not seen since I was about 10 years old. Last night, I saw one of those cousins again at a Passover Seder. This was the first night of Passover and, apparently, the first time he had ever experienced this holiday. I know from my hypnotherapy training how and why it is not always easy or comfortable to participate in an unfamiliar holiday or event (subconscious unknown); but he was a very enthusiastic and appreciative participant (guest) in this very interactive meal. His interest and apparent joy about being included in the Seder inspired everyone else to also pay closer attention to and appreciate the significance of the many symbolic elements of this meal.

It also reminded me how important it is to be a compassionate and involved host in order to help each guest feel welcome, relaxed, interested and interesting so everyone can have a great time.

Advice for the Host(s)

• Do as much food and set-up preparation as possible well before the guests are due to arrive. The less rushing around you have to do, the calmer you will feel and the more relaxed you will be during your party.

• Consider assigning seats around the dining table to facilitate introductions of specific guests or, if necessary, to separate others who do not get along.

• Remember to breathe! Deep breathing increases the flow of oxygen throughout the body, via the bloodstream. Draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it for the count of four. Imagine, visualize, picture or pretend that you are inhaling confidence, relaxation, calm and any other positive emotions that represent to you a comfortable social interaction. At the count of four, exhale that breath through your mouth. As you exhale visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are releasing the anxiety, discomfort and/or any other negative emotions that you have previously associated with these kinds of social interactions. Say/repeat the following mantra: “I am very relaxed, calm and confident. With each deep breath I take, I am becoming even more relaxed, sociable and in control of everything around me. In fact, the harder I try to do or be the opposite, the more comfortable and outgoing I become/am.”

• Take a relaxing bath and/or do some meditation to deepen your sense of relaxation. You can even do some self-hypnosis to reinforce suggestions that your party will be fun and successful in order to assuage any anticipatory anxiety about the event. These suggestions may include: “My guests will feel relaxed and enjoy meeting and inviting these new people into their lives”; and “(As the host or hostess) I release any and all worry or negative expectations and will have fun at my party.”

• Do not assume that a guest is bored or uninterested in what is going on at your party just because the person isn’t doing much (or any) talking. It takes some people a little while to relax and feel comfortable in a social environment, let alone a bustling or structured one. Sometimes, this kind of event can be overwhelming—so much so that the physical stimuli and activities going on induce a gentle trance or light state of hypnosis!

• Be an interested host: Ask your guests questions and listen to their replies. Invite them to participate in different aspects of the event, such as proposing a toast, helping to serve part of the meal, leading the group in prayer before the meal, etc. Not only do these kinds of activities help to integrate individuals within this new social group, they also facilitate conversations between the guests during the party.

• Similarly, if your guest(s) offer to help you serve part of the meal or beverages, or want to help you clean up afterward, it is okay for you to accept this offer. I find that people often want to pitch in this way. It is an opportunity for guests to show how much they appreciate the time and effort their hosts made to put on a successful event, as well as to be more involved in it.

• Once you have introduced all of your guests to each other, do not linger to monitor these interactions. It is natural for conversations to ebb and flow. Your guests may have more or less in common with each other than you hoped or expected; however, it is out of your hands whether they a friendship or other relationship ultimately develops from this introduction.

• Point out common interests that your guests share. This will help to break the ice and facilitate conversations. If you someone seems uncomfortable, make a point of striking up conversation with that guest. Discuss things that you know he or she is interested in and make a point of introducing that person to others at the event who are likely to share a common interest.

• Eat protein (cheese, meat or non-meat protein substitutes, nuts, etc.) before and during the event to stabilize your blood sugar and keep your mood even.

• Alcohol lowers inhibition and can consequently affect your mood and confidence, so avoid drinking or limit your intake of alcoholic beverages before and during your event. Similarly, even if you are serving alcohol, be sure to offer your guests nonalcoholic beverages such as water, fruit juice and even soda to drink. Restrict the amount of caffeinated beverages you drink, which can also affect blood-sugar level and your mood.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017