Secondary Relationships

Photo by Rick Hustead

This is dialog from a scene in the 1996 film Twister, in which two tornado chasers discuss filing for divorce.

Billy Harding, introducing his new fiancée to his estranged wife, Jo: “She’s a therapist.”

Jo Harding: “Yours?”

In my blog titled, My New Office, I explain how the furniture in this space is positioned to prevent my (the hypnotherapist) invading a client’s space. Many people are initially nervous and wary about hypnosis the first time they come in for a session, including those who are seeking hypnotherapy as a “last resort” to overcome an unwanted behavior. Furthermore, characteristics such as the person’s suggestibility and their Emotional and Physical sexuality (personality) may require greater physical distance between us during the therapy.

It is also important to maintain a professional boundary between the hypnotherapist and his or her clients. By this I mean that the therapist must separate (and keep separate) his or her personal life and interests from the client’s. It is not uncommon for clients to start to feel similar emotions for the therapist that they already carry for someone in their own life to their therapist during the hypnotherapeutic process. Or, the person may develop strong feelings for the therapist that have nothing to do with those he or she has for a significant other at home. This phenomenon is called transference. With the client already highly suggestible to the hypnotherapist, it is easy to see how this can occur.

Counter-transference is the phenomenon in which a therapist reciprocates the client’s feelings/emotions. Like the client, these feelings for the other person can be negative or positive. The conflict arises when the professional can no longer provide effective hypnotherapy for the client because these strong emotions erode the ethical parameters of this professional relationship. Whether the therapist has become unable to provide unconditional positive regard for the client or has become too emotionally and/or socially involved with the person outside the therapy setting, the therapeutic relationship is untenable and should be ended.

The scene I quoted at the beginning of this essay illustrates this conflict of interest. Billy Harding does not explicitly say that he met his new girlfriend because she was his therapist when his marriage to Jo started to break down. In addition to the fact that this kind of secondary relationship is unethical and unacceptable in the context of their therapeutic relationship, it also makes the new couple’s partnership potentially more fragile. It could be argued that Billy took the unrequited emotions he still carried for his estranged wife and transferred them onto his therapist. The therapist then broke a golden rule of therapy and got romantically involved with her client. Regardless of the emotional bond they shared outside of the relationship, they sacrificed the progress of the emotional “work” Billy had been doing in his therapist’s office up to that point. His feelings for his soon-to-be ex-wife did not get resolved enough to stand up to the real-world challenge of asking Jo to sign divorce papers to officially, finally ending their marriage.

To prevent transference and counter-transference in my hypnotherapy practice, it is important to establish strong professional boundaries around the therapeutic relationship that the hypnotherapist shares with a client. The hypnotherapist’s role in a client’s life is to use tools such as hypnosis and guided imagery to help the individual achieve vocational or avocational self-improvement goals, not to become that person’s new best friend, dog-walker or spouse.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

80/20

Photo by Rick Hustead

There is an unwritten guideline in hypnotherapy that the client should do most (about 80 percent) of the talking and the hypnotherapist will do the rest (20 percent). And vice versa. During hypnotherapy, it is the client’s “responsibility” to describe the motivations for seeking this therapy, desires about changing an unwanted behavior and to express emotions about and during this therapeutic process. Similarly, it is the hypnotherapist’s “responsibility” to listen to what the client is saying and use this information to create an effective hypnotic script that will facilitate the achievement of the person’s therapeutic goals. This policy is very important for several reasons. 

First, when someone comes in for hypnotherapy, that individual is not only looking for a possible solution to help change an unwanted belief or behavior. The person is also subconsciously looking for and needs a space in which to vent his or her emotions—a sounding board, if you will—to explain how and why the habit started in the first place. The last thing the client needs is to wonder if the expert from whom he or she is seeking help is somehow subtly dismissing those concerns by comparing them to the hypnotherapist’s own issues. At that point, the client would be justified in wondering whether the therapist’s problems might be more significant than his or her own. This is also the point at which rapport and trust are destroyed.

Second, especially during the cognitive (alert and aware) portion of the hypnotherapy session, the hypnotherapist needs to focus on what the client is saying to create the hypnotic script. This script is based on the key words, metaphors and even emotions that the client expresses to describe his or her self-improvement goals and motivations. During the cognitive portion of the first session, I reassure my hypnotherapy clients that they will essentially hypnotize themselves based on the words and motivations to change an unwanted behavior, which I incorporate into the hypnotic script. As I explain in my previous blog titled Creating Your Hypnotic Script, we are all most suggestible to ourselves. Conversely, if the hypnotherapist does most of the talking, the hypnotic script is less likely to be effective because the client’s subconscious mind does not recognize these motivational words, phrases and images as his or her own.

Third, unlike traditional forms of psychotherapy such as licensed marriage and family therapy, psychology and licensed social work or even psychiatry hypnotherapy is not “talk therapy.” According to the Business and Professions Code 2908, hypnotherapists must provide hypnosis during the therapeutic session. In addition, they must also seek a referral from these professionals if a client wants to address an issue outside of the scope of hypnotherapy. Our role as hypnotherapists is to help our clients find solutions to problems and achieve vocational and avocational goals by working with the subconscious mind in hypnosis, not discussing these issues in a cognitive, alert and aware state.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

“It’s Not What I Expected…”

     Most people have preconceived ideas about what something will or should be like. These expectations are based on the mental scripts or subconscious associations (knowns) that guide their beliefs and behaviors. For example, when I ordered a plate of fish and chips at lunch today, I was stunned to receive a plate of potato chips, not French fries, with my fried fish. Don’t get me wrong: the chips I received were home-made and very tasty. However, I had been looking forward to eating a serving of the British version of chips—steaming, thick wedges of fried potato—with salt and malt vinegar. I was initially disappointed that the restaurant didn’t seem to “get” the fact that when “chips” are served with fried fish, they should and traditionally are French fried potatoes. But once I got over being shocked about this apparent misunderstanding, I also had to laugh. The menu listed fish and chips, and in the United States, “chips” means potato chips. I expected to receive fries because I incorrectly inferred that they were on the menu based on my known, personal experience of what it means to eat fish and chips. The meal was not what I expected to be served, but it was still very enjoyable.

     I think people have similar expectations and a similar kind of experience the first time they come in for hypnotherapy. They have so many ideas about what will happen when they are hypnotized that it sometimes takes a little while for them to relax and appreciate all of the nuances of what they are experiencing. If they ever watched or participated in a stage-hypnosis performance, they might expect that they may also “have” to behave in an uncharacteristic and possibly embarrassing way during a hypnotherapy session. Similar to the description of the food I ordered at lunch today, many people have preconceived ideas about what hypnosis and hypnotherapy are, and what will happen when they are hypnotized.  Therefore, it is very important that I can reassure my clients how and why this will not be the case. I explain how I use hypnosis and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques to help them person relax and emphasize why I include their specific words and motivations in their hypnotic scripts to change undesired behaviors.

     In the years that I have been working as a certified hypnotherapist, people have expressed feeling the most surprise at how completely relaxed and comfortable they felt during the session. Many have even confessed that hypnotherapy wasn’t what they expected in the same sentence they tell me that they didn’t know what to expect. Once out of hypnosis, when they really start to notice (feel) the subtle changes of physical energy that I observed during the session they express surprise at feeling so relaxed, so focused, so good. This positive experience will create a new known in their subconscious mind: hypnotherapy facilitates changing unwanted behaviors so they can strive for and achieve their vocational and avocational self-improvement goals.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

(This blog was originally posted on April 4, 2014)

 

 

                Sometimes, it seems like one of the most powerful human desires is the one for control. We want to control some aspect(s) of our social or physical environment. We want to control our behavior. (Hey, that’s what hypnotherapy is good for, right?) Or, we want to control (change) someone else’s behavior. Can hypnotherapy help you achieve each of these goals?

My scope of expertise as a hypnotherapist is to help my clients achieve vocational and avocational self-improvement goals. There is really no way to control or change specific aspects of a physical environment—such as the weather or climate where we live—unless we physically move out of the area. Most of us can’t even rearrange the furniture or décor in the lobby at work without having to get permission from the employer and/or the building’s landlord. Similarly, none of us has the ability to control someone else’s behaviors or beliefs if that individual doesn’t want to make this change. However, we can use hypnotherapy and guided imagery techniques to help us replace our own unwanted habits or belief systems with behaviors that are more effective for us. The skills you practice and learn in hypnosis can also help you adapt to, cope with and even flourish in a challenging personal, social or work situation over which you have no control. Your ability to remain relaxed, focused and calm in this context will significantly reduce or even eliminate any personal effects that the tension in this situation may cause you. You may even find that this ability to control your emotions in this way indirectly influences (changes) the way other people around you behave.

Before the next scheduled interaction with the person or exposure to that environment, work with me in hypnotherapy to help you desensitize to the negative stimuli associated with that encounter. Give yourself permission to let go of any grudges, bitterness or other negative associations you have with this situation. Give the other person(s) permission to own their critical, negative, etc., nature or beliefs that they have previously expressed to you. Then, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are as relaxed, calm and focused when you have that encounter as you are while you are in hypnosis. Anchor that image of yourself responding in a positive, confident and controlled way with the relaxed and comfortable sensation you are enjoying in hypnosis so you can access your new calm and “in control” demeanor when you need to. Even if the other person’s behavior or attitude does not significantly change at that time, you will be better equipped to deal with that challenge.

I liken this attitude and technique to the Serenity Prayer. Most of the time, each of us can change our behavior and, in so doing, truly change a negative or challenging situation into a positive or mutually rewarding experience. Sometimes, we can do absolutely nothing about the circumstance except to just get through it by changing the way we perceive and respond to it. The key to a successful outcome in either circumstance is having the wisdom to know what kind of attitude adjustment we can make at that moment.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015