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| Photo Courtesy of Fotolia Whether we are the antagonist or the target of nasty comments, responding to those taunts actually reinforces the mental script behind them. |
Whether it’s a colleague at work or another kid at school who is subtly or not-so-subtly challenging you, the most effective strategy to dissipate the tension between you is to ignore the taunt. Unfortunately, nothing is one of the most difficult things to do when we want to stand our ground and defend what we believe. This is even more challenging when we buy into and believe the criticism or digs someone is directing our way. Like children on the playground, adults can also get caught in a seemingly endless cycle of verbal sparring because this kind of interaction has become an established pattern between the participants. There may not be a specific reason why this behavior occurs; and for the purposes of this essay, it doesn’t even matter. The point here is the behavior and how you can prevent yourself from responding to and engaging with whatever has instigated it.
Whenever
you find yourself in a potentially negative interaction ask yourself: Is the
trash talk part of your usual repertoire with this individual or individuals?
If your answer is yes, consider who
is instigating the negativity. Be honest! It surprises many people to realize
that they may have started the argument or made the first dig without even
consciously knowing or intending to do this. If you did intend to stir
something up with the other person, consider your reason or reasons for doing
so. Sometimes we criticize another person’s behavior or appearance, etc.,
because we actually disapprove of or even resent that attribute in ourselves. If
your answer is no, think back to a
similar, previous occasion or events in which you were the object of the other
person’s animosity. How did you react in those situations? How did the other
person respond to what you said or did? If this scenario has been repeated
several times, it is likely that you both follow a subconscious mental script in
which you trigger specific antagonistic/combative and defensive/combative responses
in each other.
Even if this behavior has become a habit, the good news is that you
both can unlearn it and rewrite your mental scripts to create a more constructive
way of interacting. Do not use or waste this time and your energy trying to
come up with a clever retort to the other person’s taunt, either. Any temporary
pleasure you may feel when you say it will be overshadowed by the fact that your
quip will only reinforce the unwanted behavior you’re trying to get rid of and the
other person’s negative behavior toward you. The easiest way to start changing
the original pattern is simple: just do not respond to that dig or verbal jab. Instead,
draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it to the count of four and then
exhale the breath through your mouth. As you inhale, visualize, imagine,
picture or pretend that you are inhaling calm,
focus, patience and any word that you associate with feeling powerful, in
control, and loving or benevolent. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are
releasing from your body every last bit of anger, stress, frustration or
negative energy or emotion that you feel about the other person and/or this
situation.
For
all intents and purposes, you are in a kind of “relationship” with the other
person or people with whom you share this behavior. Like any other relationship
in your life, this one is also subject to the principles behind the Systems
Approach, whereby you cannot separate one component of the system from the
sub-total or entire system. According to John Kappas, Ph.D., the founder of the
Hypnosis Motivation Institute, changing your behavior in the relationship—i.e.,
no longer respond to comments or communicate with the other party the way you
used to—will necessarily affect the basic structure of the relationship or
system and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of the Systems
Approach is to bring the System back into balance. However, if that system is
no longer working for you and the other party or parties is unwilling to change
their behavior to restore this balance, the relationship as it stands will not
survive. Under those circumstances, you may ultimately find that leaving the
toxic relationship and combative social environment is the better option anyway.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in
Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®
and to set up an appointment, please
visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2014
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