Trust

 

                “Never trust a person who doesn’t like chocolate.” Joan R. Neubauer’s statement was the featured quote-of-the day for today on my desktop calendar. At first glance, I completely agreed with her sentiment. Not only is chocolate one of my favorite foods and flavors; just about everyone in my family and many of my friends are self-professed “chocoholics.” However, I certainly know, work with and trust people who are not that fond of chocolate. One of my dear friends is even allergic to it; since chocolate makes her physically sick I imagine she doesn’t like to eat it or anything about it, but I trust and adore her. So, there is one generalization shot down.

                Trust is a very personal emotion and experience. We tend to trust people we like and with whom we share common interests and values. We evaluate and make judgments about people and situations based on the subjective and/or empirical evidence from those past experiences, or knowns. For example, if you have a negative experience with someone outside of your regular social group, you might automatically attribute this unpleasant experience to the fact that he or she does not like chocolate (or any other factor). But is this generalization truly accurate or fair? Maybe the true reason you didn’t get along with this person has nothing to do with a preferred flavor but that you do not share other values with him or her—or vice versa. Maybe, just maybe, the other person didn’t trust you because you didn’t share one of his or her core values, and that value had nothing to do with a sweet treat.

                Like friendship, trust—being trustworthy and trusting—is a two-way street. We learn through the repetition of that behavior (trusting) and associating the outcome of that trust (feeling physically and/or emotionally safe) whether the person or situation is actually trustworthy. When we can and do trust the people with whom we share important values, they are likely to deserve and reciprocate that trust. The caveat of this relationship is that repeated exposure to a situation also creates a known and reliable association (pleasure) between a behavior and a situation or outcome which is not necessarily comfortable or pleasurable. For example, we often hear about or even know individuals who continue to return to an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Even when we can’t trust a person to behave in a nurturing way toward us, we may still derive some degree of security from the fact that we can trust the inconsistency of that relationship. Maybe what we most want and need is to be able to trust the consistency of someone’s behavior or the likely outcome of a situation.

                It’s something to think about.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014